


i was busy thinkin' bout boys (not like i had a choice)

by Behindthecities



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 11:19:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11668056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Behindthecities/pseuds/Behindthecities
Summary: In which Isak realizes he likes boys, falls for boys, and then ultimately loves a boy (and the boy loves him back).//A character study inspired by "Boys" by Charli XCX





	i was busy thinkin' bout boys (not like i had a choice)

**Author's Note:**

> ever since this song came out, i've been meaning to write something - i've been really stressed lately and this just a little something to sooth my heart and get my juices flowing. as i do not identify as a gay boy, like isak, i hope i didn't write anything offensive—if i did, please let me know! hope you enjoy, babes.

It doesn’t come as a big revelation, like some  _ ah-ha  _ moment that knocks the wind out of him —it creeps in and sits heavily on his chest. Isak Valtersen likes boys. He likes their broad shoulders, the flat plains of their abdomen, the lining of hard muscles through their shirts. Isak Valtersen likes boys—that’s a fact. A fact that—once it settles into his system, once he’s mulled over it for hours upon hours—terrifies him. 

*

Isak is good at keeping things to himself. Moreover, he’s good at keeping up  _ an act. _ Playing his part as any other boy—a boy who likes girls.

No one needs to know that that Isak spends more time imagining how it would feel to kiss boys, to hold hands with a boy, to date a boy, to fall in love with a boy. No one needs to know that sometimes he’s awake, in the late hours of the night, convincing himself that he  _ can’t _ entertain the wild fantasies his mind conjures up—because he’s not  _ gay.  _ Or at least, he doesn’t want anyone to think he is.

It’s not a problem. It’s not a problem to maintain a facade that he’s normal, that he’s attracted to girls, that he’s  _ not gay _ . He gets so good at it that he makes a game out of it. How many times can he pull this off until he can’t? How many times can he fool everyone around him that this is  _ not _ who he is? He get’s so good at it that he doesn’t even realize that there will come a day when it stops being some game—a day when he won’t want to keep playing the game.

Isak falls hard.

Isak falls in love with his best friend and his heart rips apart pieces.

*

It gets harder and harder to be around Jonas—the one person that Isak can confide to, the one person that’s been a constant in his life when everything started to collapse around him, the one person he can’t afford to lose. Jonas is his best friend and Isak can’t help himself.

Isak can’t help himself getting lost in Jonas’s eyes, he can’t help himself imagine what it would feel like to kiss him, to run his fingers through his brown curls.

It eats him alive sometimes—these thoughts. Some days he wants to scrub them off, claw them out of him because it’s  _ wrong _ . It’s wrong to feel this way and Jonas will hate him for sure.

So Isak keeps kissing girls, keeps smiling when his friends talk about girls, keeps hooking up with girls, and keeps looking at Jonas.

*

One day Jonas tells Isak that he’s dating Eva. Isak watches them fall in love and he can’t stand it. He can’t stand watching them laugh and smile and kiss—but more than anything he can’t stand himself.

It ruins Isak, watching Jonas and Eva being  _ so fucking  _ happy with each other. So he ruins them too.

*

It’s a new school year and Isak feels like he’s dragging his feet, exhausted from carrying all this weight. He definitely still likes boys, his home life is rapidly crumbling in front of his eyes and there’s nothing he can do, and now he’s living with a roommate that’s suspicious.

Eskild is gay with a capital ‘ **G** ’. Ever since that day he found him, wasted, sobbing into a glass of beer, at a bar (even though Eskild insists it’s gay bar—which, whatever), it’s become harder to  _ pretend _ .

But Isak  _ isn’t like _ Eskild. He’s different. He likes hip-hop and snapbacks, biology and mathematics—not Kim Kardashian and makeup, tights and the colour pink.

The thing is, he likes boys, that’s a fact. But he doesn’t like everything that comes with liking boys.

*

Even comes into Isak’s life like a great big storm—and he can’t help himself but get swept away.

All he thinks is  _ Even, Even, Even,  _ like a quiet prayer that he hopes gets answered.

Even’s all charm and easy smiles and blue eyes and mystery—and Isak  _ wants. _ He gets drunk thinking of Even’s lips, his hands, his body. It’s all encompassing, how Even makes Isak feel and for the first time, Isak wants to tell everyone and anyone how much he loves Even.

For the first time, Isak wants to tell everyone and anyone that he likes boys, that he dreams about boys, that he  _ wants  _ boys. Isak Valtersen likes boys. 

*

When Isak and Even first kiss in the pool, Isak drowns—drowns in everything that Even makes him feel at that very moment.

What follows that kiss changes Isak’s life forever—in ways that he’s never thought of before.

Even makes him the happiest he’s been, Even makes him laugh like no one else, Even makes him bloom into a different version of himself—one that he was so afraid to become.

But Even unravels him in a way that leaves him bare and vulnerable, Even absolutely ruins him, Even breaks his heart in pieces—it feels like it’ll take a lifetime to mend them back together.

*

Isak takes a moment to adjust, calibrate, and synch.

He comes out to Jonas, he comes out to his friends, and he comes out to himself.

Isak likes boys. Isak likes boys. Isak likes boys. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

*

When Even texts Isak at church—for a moment he thinks that it’s all over.

He runs to Even, he runs to the love of his life, he runs to his future, and he runs to save himself. Because Even and Isak—they saved each other—from caving in on themselves, from destroying themselves, from thinking that they’ll always be alone.

No.  _ No one is alone. _

*

Isak doesn’t sleep that night because he wants to look at Even lying beside him, sound asleep. He wants to drink in this moment, keep it locked away somewhere, paint it across a blank canvas, weave it into his heart so it’s always a part of him. 

Isak loves Even. Isak loves the way Even smiles, bright and blinding like the sun. Isak loves the way Even laughs, steady and solid. Isak loves the way they fold into each other. Isak loves the way they get lost into their own world. Isak loves the way that, in every parallel universe, Even’s with him, holding his hand.

Isak likes boys. Isak loves boys. Isak loves one boy. A boy—Even—that turns out to be the best thing in his life.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked that bit, i've always wanted to write a character study - this is unbeta'd so apologies for any mistakes. comments and kuddos are appreciated, as always <3 I'm on tumblr at [vanqoh](http://vanqoh.tumblr.com/) if you want to chat!


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